I was recently on a girls’ trip, and honestly… my jaw dropped at how much I still have to learn.
I have this dear friend — super outgoing, fun, magnetic to be around. But what struck me most wasn’t her personality.
It was her unfailing ability to ask for exactly what she wanted.
And not in a pushy way. Not in a dramatic way. Just… matter-of-fact. Like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Extra sauce with her leftovers? She asked.
A better table? She asked.
A small tweak to an order? She asked.
And every time I caught myself thinking, “Really… you can just ask for that?”
I’ve been working on this particular skill. Because when I look back on my life, there were so many times I didn’t get something — not because the answer would have been no — but because I never asked.
Maybe I didn’t want to inconvenience someone.
Maybe I felt guilty for wanting more than what was offered.
Maybe I was afraid of the denial.
So I’ve gone the personal growth route — podcasts, books, confidence work. All of it. But watching her in real time, just fearlessly ask for anything and everything when the opportunity came up?
I loved it.
Because in reality: asking for extra sauce costs nothing. If they say no, your food is still good. But if they say yes? Even better.
Train Yourself to Ask For More… and More Often
As women, we need to train ourselves to ask and negotiate more often.
Starting small and asking for simple or even silly things builds the exact muscle you’ll need later — when the ask is bigger and more consequential.
Like a raise.
Or a new title.
Or better benefits.
Or more flexibility.
And here’s where it gets really interesting for me as a leader.
I’ve always found it so much easier to ask when I’m asking for someone else.
When my team needed more staff? No problem.
When someone needed a different job description to thrive? I was on it.
When people needed flexibility for their lives? I could advocate all day.
But ask for a raise for myself? Eek.
Research in Women’s Willingness to Ask and Negotiate – It’s Multifactorial
And this isn’t just a “me” thing. There’s actually a substantial body of research exploring why women, in particular, ask for less.
It’s not one simple cause. It’s a mix of social norms, expectations, internalized roles, and the real social costs women can face when they’re assertive.
When women ask directly for what they want, it can be perceived negatively — by both men and women — because it bumps up against traditional gender norms. So we learn, often unconsciously, that asking can come with social backlash.
Women also report higher anxiety and lower anticipated success when it comes to negotiation.
We’re less likely to initiate negotiations in the first place — unless we’re in an environment where negotiation is clearly expected. Think open markets or cultures where bargaining is the norm. Suddenly, women do negotiate more.
Context matters.
Even more concerning? Women are less likely to speak up or ask questions in academic and professional settings. And when women do ask, they may actually receive less favorable outcomes. Which creates a pretty nasty feedback loop: Why ask if it doesn’t go well anyway?
But here’s a powerful twist.
When the ask is framed as communal — advocating for a team, for patients, for a group — women are much more likely to step forward.
Which explains why so many of us are incredible advocates for others… and quiet minimizers of our own needs.
A “How To” Ask For It – For Women Physician Leaders
So how do we start shifting this? How do we actually start building this asking muscle?
Because knowing the research is one thing… actually opening your mouth and asking is another.
One shift that’s been huge for me is remembering that most of my asks don’t just affect me. They affect my team, my patients, and the quality of work we’re doing.
Sometimes I’ll literally pause and think, “How does this make a bigger impact?”
Like when we needed a dashboard updated to better reflect what was really happening with our patients — not just for data’s sake, but to truly identify cost savings and improve care. That wasn’t just a “nice to have.”
That was an ask rooted in impact.
And interestingly, that communal framing makes it easier. Women, especially, are often more comfortable advocating when it’s clearly helping others too. So if it feels awkward to ask for yourself, try widening the lens. Your growth, your resources, your support — those ripple outward.
Another piece? How we ask matters.
You don’t have to apologize your way into a request. But you can bring warmth. You can signal, “We’re on the same team here.” Approaching the conversation with a sense of shared goals and mutual respect changes the tone completely. It’s not confrontation — it’s collaboration.
And something else I’ve had to learn: treat the ask like it’s expected, not like you’re asking for a wild favor.
This is a professional conversation. This is part of how work works.
Sometimes, when I really get stuck, I play a little mental trick. I pretend I’m advocating for a friend or a colleague instead of myself. Suddenly, I’m braver. Clearer. Less apologetic.
Like when we needed that dashboard improved — if it had been framed as “Stephanie wants this,” I might have hesitated. But “Our team needs better data to care for patients well”? I can stand behind that all day.
Or when I hired a coach at one point, not even knowing if it could be covered by my professional development budget. I almost didn’t submit the receipts. I had all the thoughts: Is this too much? Is this just for me?
But then I reframed it: If I become a stronger leader, does my organization benefit? Absolutely. So I asked for reimbursement. That wasn’t selfish. That was aligned.
And let’s talk about the small stuff, because this is where the real practice happens.
I still have to talk myself into asking for things like a flight upgrade. My brain goes, Who do you think you are? What makes you so special?
But then I remind myself — they’re not going to take my economy seat away. I’m still getting to my destination. The worst-case scenario is… nothing changes. And the best case? A little more comfort and a small confidence boost. Low-stakes reps matter.
When you do make an ask, clarity is everything. Not emotion. Not rambling explanations. Specifics.
I once made a very clear request for equity in pay for administrative positions in a previous role — hour-for-hour equity for administrative tasks. I knew exactly what I was asking for. I practiced how I would say it. I didn’t get it at the time… but I would have kept pushing. Because clarity makes it easier for others to understand, even if the answer isn’t yes right away.
And let’s be honest — asking often feels uncomfortable. Deeply uncomfortable.
So much of the work I had to do to dig out of burnout felt that way too. Hard conversations. New boundaries. Saying things out loud that I’d kept buried. But when I look back, that discomfort was also the doorway to growth. Just because it feels hard doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Another skill that goes hand in hand with asking? Saying the thing… and then being quiet.
You don’t have to fill the silence.
You don’t have to over-explain or soften it with ten more sentences. State the ask clearly, and let it land. That pause is part of the process.
And finally — this one changed everything for me — your worth is not determined by the answer you receive.
A “no” is data. A “not right now” is information.
It’s not a verdict on your value. It’s part of what I like to think of as “failing forward.” You gather information, adjust your strategy, and keep moving — now with more insight and more ammunition for next time.
Every ask, whether it works out or not, is building a skill you will use for the rest of your life and leadership.
Ask For It Today
So yes… start with the extra sauce.
Start with the seat upgrade. Ask for the thing that feels just a tiny bit uncomfortable.
Because every small ask is training for the moment when the ask really matters.
Practice makes powerful.
I still laugh thinking about that girls’ trip — me internally spiraling over whether something was “worth asking,” while she was out there just… asking. No drama. No apology. Just confidence.
Because it wasn’t really about the sauce. It was about permission. Permission to take up space. Permission to want something. Permission to ask without shrinking first.
And maybe that’s the real growth edge here. Not becoming louder. Not becoming pushy. But becoming willing — willing to ask, willing to hear the answer, and willing to keep going either way.
Learning to ask for what you need isn’t just a communication skill — it’s a leadership skill. And it’s one we can build together.
If you’re ready to stop shrinking, start advocating for yourself as powerfully as you do for everyone else, and make decisions that actually align with your values and your life, come see what coaching looks like.
Head to womenmdleaders.com to learn more about working with me.