Recognizing what resentment is, and how it appears in your life, is the first step to addressing it. For every woman physician leader, this shows up differently.
You may have said yes to roles outside your interests, just to gain experience. You may be in a role that doesn’t allow the time needed to do excellent work — so you work during family time. You may have leaders who expect 24/7 access via Teams or text.
Or, like me, you may have offered your skills to build something from the ground up on your own time — because you believed in it. Then it takes years for your organization to see the value of that work.
Whatever the case, you need to identify the source of your resentment. Determine what need is not being met.
Then take a good, hard look at your boundaries.
You may find your organization, your patients, your colleagues—and even you—cross them.
Where Does Resentment Hide?
Resentment is sneaky. It creeps in slowly, often masked as fatigue, irritability, cynicism, or even over-functioning. If you’re not paying attention, it becomes background noise — a hum of discontent that starts to feel normal.
To uncover it, you must pause and listen for the clues.
What parts of your routine drain you the most — maybe not physically, but emotionally?
What meetings do you dread? What people leave you feeling smaller, dismissed, or invisible after each interaction? What asks have you clenching your jaw or silently screaming, “Why am I the one doing this?”
Here are a few signs that resentment may be present:
- You replay certain interactions in your head long after they happen.
- You procrastinate tasks tied to a particular person or responsibility.
- You find yourself venting often about the same thing, over and over.
- You feel unappreciated for the effort you’re putting in.
- You feel guilty saying no — even when you’re already stretched thin.
Sometimes resentment shows up in avoidant behavior, thus you stop responding to emails, you delay scheduling certain meetings, or you ghost a project or task altogether.
Sometimes it shows up as overcompensation — you work harder than you need to, trying to prove your worth or keep the peace.
And sometimes, it’s simply a persistent ache. A knowing that something isn’t sitting right, even if you can’t yet name it.
Pause With Purpose
If this brought up any aha moments for you, you may need to schedule yourself yet another time to pause. Time to journal it. Talk it out with someone you trust. Take a walk and just think. Ask yourself:
- What part of this situation is rubbing up against my values?
- What need is not being met?
- What boundary has been crossed — or never existed in the first place?
This isn’t about blame. It’s about clarity. You can’t shift what you can’t see.
When you notice where resentment lives, you reclaim the power to respond.
I think we have time for one quick story here. When I was a Chief of Inpatient Pediatrics, all of the Chiefs in the Northern California region would gather quarterly to meet in person. Now, NCAL spans ~12K square miles.
There were some chiefs who were always absent. They started to get a bad rep. When I became a regional director and hosted these meetings myself, I got a little curious.
With a little curiosity, it was easy to uncover the building resentment. The in-person meetings were always being held on the same day of the week and in the same city. This led these chiefs to always be post-call and always have to drive a long distance to attend.
This was a huge ask – and on completely uncompensated travel time – thank you healthcare.
As you can imagine, we made some changes.
Own Your Part with Self-Compassion
If you are anything like me, once you start to see where resentment is showing up, you might feel a pang of guilt. Guilt for letting things go this far. Guilt for saying yes too often. Guilt for even wanting to say no.
Let me stop you right there. This isn’t about blame or regret — it’s about awareness.
You were doing the best you could with the tools, context, and conditioning you had. The years of self-sacrifice, the internalized “yes” culture, the badge of busyness — it all taught you to equate boundary-setting with selfishness or inadequacy. But that story? It’s outdated. We need to move forward.
Recognize Where Strong Boundaries Can Set You Free
You may hear me say this many times — boundaries are not walls you build to shut people out. They are the framework that lets you stay in your life — fully present, steady, and aligned.
And the truth is, it’s not too late. Just because it took you this long to recognize the need for clearer boundaries doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re ready. Ready to lead from a place of clarity instead of exhaustion. To make decisions anchored in your values, not your fear of letting someone down.
It means there is so much room for growth.
So much room for more joy.
More creativity.
More connection.
More impact.
Imagine being the person who had to drive 180 miles post call every other month — and now waking up to recognize your resentment for this role you once loved. But once recognized and acknowledged, you can make a plan and you can ask for adjustments: in venue, day of the week, time, or even a remote option.
You can be clear about what is needed for your health, safety, and sanity.
Imagine what becomes possible in your leadership and your life when your time, energy, and heart are no longer feeling torn at the edges. When you trust yourself to say “Yes” with intention — and “No” without apology. To ask for the things you want and need.
This is the work. It’s tender, it’s powerful, and it’s worth it.
Give yourself the grace:
- To learn
- To unlearn
- To practice
- To recalibrate
- To get it “wrong” sometimes — and try again.
Learning to set strong boundaries and to ask unabashedly for what you need and deserve is an investment in your longevity, your leadership, and your life.
Lighten One Load
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life overnight. Sometimes the most powerful change starts with just one shift.
So here’s an invitation.
Identify one area that feels heavy.
A task, a meeting, a relationship dynamic—anything that leaves you feeling depleted or resentful.
Ask yourself: What would lighten this load?
Could you set a clearer boundary around your time? Could you delegate, delay, or even let go of something that isn’t yours to carry? Could you communicate a need that’s been going unspoken?
Take one small action.
Have the conversation. Say no. Ask for help. Block the time. Cancel the thing. Whatever “lightening the load” looks like for you—do it.
And as you take that step, remind yourself:
You’re not being difficult. You’re being deliberate.
You’re not abandoning your role. You’re reclaiming your energy.
You are allowed to lead with strength and sustainability.
You are allowed to protect your joy.
You can do this—and you deserve to feel the difference it makes.
If you found this episode of the Women MD Leaders podcast useful, consider booking a “Better Boundaries” session with me. You can sign up on my website at womenmdleaders.com/boundaries/
That’s all for now. See you all next week, right here on your favorite podcast channel. Take care.