Have you ever caught yourself tolerating something — or someone — that didn’t sit right… just to keep the peace? To seem nice? To avoid the awkwardness?
That was me — recently — after hosting what should’ve been a lovely dinner with new friends.
It’s funny how often women, especially in medicine, find ourselves in this dance — smoothing over moments, filling the silence, pretending we’re fine when someone crosses a line.
We call it being polite, but really, it’s people-pleasing dressed up as professionalism.
We’re taught:
- To keep the peace.
- To stay composed.
- To smile through the discomfort.
And it happens everywhere — in medicine, in motherhood, in friendships.
That moment we swallow our discomfort for the sake of being “nice.”
We tell ourselves we’re keeping the peace… but really, we’re losing a piece of ourselves.
Because somewhere along the way, we started mistaking approval for connection.
People Pleasing in Friendship
Since moving to our new town, my husband and I have met so many incredible people — truly warm, welcoming folks. I’ve made it a mission to build community, so when I met a lovely woman, another physician, I invited her and her husband over for dinner.
The evening started great: good food, good conversation… until her husband started talking.
Let’s just say — he has a gift for making people uncomfortable.
He says these wild, out-there things — sometimes offensive, sometimes just odd — and you’re left wondering, is this a test?
It felt like he was trying to get a rise out of us. Or maybe he just liked feeling superior.
After dinner, my husband looked at me and said, “Yeah… we’re not doing that again.”
But my first instinct?
To defend him.
To smooth it over.
To say, “Maybe he didn’t mean it that way,” because I liked her and didn’t want to lose that connection.
And that’s when it hit me: even after years of coaching, I still have a PhD in people-pleasing.
People Pleasing at the Hospital
It’s not new.
For years, I was the one who volunteered to cover when someone called in sick — even when I was finally off, or finally planning to catch up on other things.
I just assumed everyone else volunteered equally and it would all even out.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t.
One day I realized I had way more overtime than anyone else, not because I needed it, but because I couldn’t tolerate the thought of someone thinking I wasn’t helpful.
And when I couldn’t cover? I felt the need to explain all the reasons why.
“I’ve got family in town, the kids have a concert, my husband’s on call.”
Because apparently “No, I can’t” wasn’t enough of a sentence.
I remember one Christmas I was almost grateful my husband was working — it gave me a “legitimate” excuse to say no.
As if having worked the last two holidays wasn’t legitimate enough.
This bad habit bled over into my leadership life too — saying yes to timelines that made no sense.
Agreeing to impossible deadlines for projects that, in hindsight, didn’t move the needle anyway.
I could’ve negotiated the deliverable or the date, but instead I said, “Sure, we’ll make it work,” while mentally rearranging my weekend.
People Pleasing Personally
And it wasn’t just at work.
At home, I showed up when I was completely spent.
- Service projects
- Holiday parties
- Book fairs
- Class concerts
I’d drag myself there because I said I would.
Because “good moms show up,” right?
Today, I’m getting better.
These days, when my body says, “Hey, we’re done,” I listen.
If I feel the headache, the fatigue, that subtle craving for the couch — I say no.
No excuses, no essay of explanations. Just: “Thanks for the invite, maybe next time.”
Science Behind It All
Psychologists call it the fawn response — that instinct to please, appease, or avoid conflict as a way to feel safe.
Most of us — especially women raised in a certain generation — were taught early on that being agreeable, helpful, and compliant was the best way to stay connected and move forward.
Academically, socially, even at home — the message was clear: don’t rock the boat.
It shows up in the smallest habits.
That constant need to apologize — even when we’ve done nothing wrong. I mean, it’s taken me a lot of conscious practice to remove “sorry” from my everyday conversations.
And I definitely remember my mom asking, “If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?” She probably thought I would.
That conditioning doesn’t just stay in childhood — it follows us. It seeps into our relationships, our work, and eventually, it wreaks havoc.
So it’s no surprise that medicine — this high-stakes environment where approval and harmony are equated with survival and success — becomes the perfect storm for the fawn response to thrive.
As women physicians, we were trained for it.
- To keep calm.
- To smile.
- To move on.
An attending makes an uncomfortable comment? You laugh it off and finish your presentation.
Someone drops an unreasonable task in your lap? You handle it — because you can.
And over time, that reflex becomes part of your professional identity.
But here’s the truth:
Every “yes” that comes from guilt instead of alignment slowly erodes your peace — and your power.
And we need to outgrow and overcome this learned childhood “disease to please.”[1]
Because as Brené Brown says:
People-pleasing isn’t kindness; it’s chasing approval at the expense of your boundaries.[2]
…and I would add, at the expense of your own authenticity.
Reflection
So maybe the real question isn’t, “Why do I keep pleasing?”
Maybe it’s, “What am I afraid will happen if I stop?”
Maybe we need to start with:
- Simply being aware of when we say “yes” to avoid conflict.
- Practicing boundaries every day – even with small, safe “no’s.”
- Being a bit more comfortable letting others be uncomfortable.
- And learning that we do not need to be the “straight A student” who is always pleasing others to earn trust and respect.
When we stop equating kindness with compliance, we start leading from authenticity — not approval.
And that’s the shift will change everything.
Thank you for listening today.
You can find a full transcript and citations for this episode at womenmdleaders.com/15. If you have enjoyed this show, I would be greatly appreciative if you would share it with someone you know.
That’s all for now. Take care and protect your peace.
[1] Braiker, Harriet B. The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. © 2001.
[2] Brown, Brene. The Gifts of Imperfection. © 2022. As discussed on her podcast “Unlocking Us.”