Resilience. It’s one of the most celebrated traits in medicine.
We’re taught to build it, strengthen it, and rely on it in moments of intense challenge and pressure.
Through our training, we learn to push through the hardest cases, keep going when the system doesn’t make sense, and show up — no matter what.
But what if the problem isn’t that you’re not resilient enough?
What if the real issue is that you’ve been relying on resilience for things it was never meant to carry?
Today, I want to challenge the way we think about resilience in medicine — and offer a completely different way to define strength.
Because here’s what I’ve come to know: Women physician leaders don’t have a resilience problem.
We have a recognition problem.
A boundary problem.
A systems problem.
And a silence problem.
If you’ve ever smiled through something that broke you a little inside – this episode is for you.
Resilience as a Tool – and an Expectation
Resilience is a tool we need in medicine.
We lean on it when we face devastating clinical situations. When we match somewhere we didn’t want to be. When we find ourselves inside systems that don’t allow us to truly help our patients — only to place a temporary band-aid.
But over time, it stops being a tool. It becomes the expectation. The identity. The standard.
And I remember leaning into that fully.
Years ago, before the pandemic, our department hosted an entire weekend retreat focused on resilience. We brought our families to a resort — kids, spouses, partners — and spent hours in programming, learning tools and strategies to help us thrive in medicine.
And yes, the tools were helpful.
But what stayed with me — what truly mattered — was something else entirely.
It was the people.
It was seeing my colleagues not just as physicians, but as parents, as partners, as humans. Our kids playing together. Conversations outside the hospital walls. A shared understanding that we were all carrying something.
The connection we built that weekend? That was more powerful than any resilience strategy we learned.
Because for a moment, we weren’t just holding it together. We were held.
When Resilience Delays the Ask for Help
Fast forward ten years.
I found myself in the depths of burnout.
And here’s the part that’s hard to say out loud:
All of that resilience training and culture – it didn’t prevent it. In some ways, it may have delayed my willingness to ask for help.
Because when resilience is the expectation, struggling starts to feel like failure.
As someone who identifies as a recovering perfectionist, I internalized that deeply.
I thought—
Why can’t I handle this?
Why does this feel harder for me than it should?
What am I doing wrong?
There was so much shame wrapped up in not being able to “keep going” the way I thought I was supposed to.
And what strikes me now is that this isn’t just my experience. The data shows it too.
In fact, even the most resilient physicians are still burning out.
Because burnout isn’t caused by a lack of resilience — it’s caused by chronic, unsustainable stress. Maslach’s research makes this clear: when we focus only on resilience, we place the responsibility on the individual instead of addressing the systems creating that stress in the first place.
So this idea that we just need to be stronger, more resilient – it’s not just incomplete. It quietly shifts the blame onto us.
Resilience or Survival?
So now? I see resilience completely differently.
Resilience is not your ability to walk away from moral injury or trauma and move on to the next patient with a smile on your face.
That’s not resilience. That’s survival.
Real resilience looks like this:
It’s recognizing when that smile is just out of reach. When things feel heavier than usual. When your patience is shorter and your energy is drained in a way that rest doesn’t quite fix.
It’s noticing. It’s pausing. It’s allowing yourself to say: “This isn’t working.” And then doing something about it.
It’s asking for help.
It’s setting a boundary.
It’s saying no — before you reach the breaking point.
Here’s what I want to say clearly:
Women physician leaders do not need more resilience. You already have it — in spades. You’ve proven that over and over again.
What you need is the ability to sense your limits before you reach them.
You need support when you name system issues that are crushing you.
You need a voice — and spaces where that voice is actually heard.
What This Looks Like in Practice
So what does it actually look like to live this differently?
It starts small. It starts with noticing.
Recognize where things pinch.
Not where they break — but where they start to feel tight. A scheduling pattern that drains you. A dynamic on your team that’s been quietly heavy for months.
Find a moment – even just five minutes – to reflect. What is actually happening here? What feels off?
Then connect. Invite someone else in. Because the truth is, they’re likely feeling it too. And when one person speaks, it gives others permission to do the same.
Then create space. Shave things out of your calendar — not because you’re failing, but because recovery is part of sustainability.
You don’t burn out because you lack grit. You burn out because the conditions are unsustainable.
And finally — step up. When you can.
Ask your team to debrief a tough case. Pull up a chair up to the table where decisions are being made. Speak to systems that you know are not working.
Because we need physicians and nurses on the front lines contributing to these conversations – not just surviving them.
Resilience isn’t about carrying more. It’s about knowing when to stop carrying it alone.
Take Action
If this episode resonated with you — if you’re realizing that what you need isn’t more resilience, but more clarity, support, and space to lead differently — I want to invite you to take the next step.
Through my one on one coaching work, I help women physician leaders get their time back, own their value, and lead in a way that actually feels sustainable.
You can learn more and apply to work with me at:
👉 https://womenmdleaders.com/work-with-stephanie
The link is in the show notes. I hope to see you there.